Monday, December 12, 2005

Incest, incest, it's the best.

It starts here, or maybe here, and the hipsters try to get enough critical distance to tell who's who.

While some of the questions are good, they're lacking in very basic way: they're not actually hip. Oh, and they don't have a Sassy-esque grading scale.

So I'm here to add new questions, make it multiple choice, and ride herd.

1: Without looking it up, can you fill in the blanks in this sentence: “The Technology Center is on _______ between _______ and _______, but why are you going there? That place sucks now. Oh wait, I mean, it burned down.”

a. Liberty, Ashley and First
b. Washington, First and Third Ave.
c. Huron, Chapin and Fourth Ave.

(a: 0 points; b: 10 points; c: 5 points)

2. You’ve seen Davy Rothbart and [enter favorite member of Pas/cal here] at a bar, but you didn’t make a big deal out of it, right? After all, they’re just dudes hanging out.
For true hipster cred though, what's Davy's little brother's name, the one that's following him on tour with his band:

a. Robert
b. John
c. Peter

(a&b: 0 points. c: 10 points.)

3. Have you been in a photo, even in the background of a photo, published on the inside front page of the Ann Arbor Paper?

Take 10 points for yes, 0 points for no.

4. Did you consider opposing the couch ban to be being "politically active"?

Ten for yes, zero for no.

5. In the past six months, have you been to two Madison House shows? (anybody can luck into one).

Ten for yes, zero for no. Take an extra five if Jason Voss was playing.

6. In the past year, three Encore employees have been mentioned in the UK magazine WIRE. Take 10 points for each one you can name, and an extra five for their band name/alter-ego.

(Aaron Dillaway, Wolf Eyes; Fred Thomas, Saturday Looks Good To Me; Tadd Mullinix, Dabrye/James Cotton)

7. How much is a Deluxe Big Ten Burrito?

a. $3
b. $3.95
c. $4

(a&b: 0 points; c: 10 points.)

8. Dorky D has what?

a. An STD
b. A Promising Local Band
c. A Blog

(a: 10 points; b&c: 0 points. For a five point bonus— who's Dorky D?)

9: The Halfass is in what UM building?

a: West Quad
b: East Quad
c: The Michigan League

(a&c: 0 points. b: 10 points. Bonus five points if you know the real name for the Halfass or the group that puts on the shows there.)

10: Put these bands in order, based on number of current members (touring size):
From most to least

a: Nomo, Saturday Looks Good To Me, Funkelligence
b: Saturday Looks Good To Me, Nomo, Funktelligence
c: Nomo, Funktelligence, Saturday Looks Good To Me

(a: 10 points; b&c: 0 points. Funktelligence broke up.)

11: You get your coffee at—

a: Starbucks
b: Cafe Ambrosia
c: Espresso Royale

(a: 0; b: 10; c: 5)

12: Fred Thomas's label is—

a: Polyvinyl
b: Ypsilanti Records
c: Bomp

(a: 5; b: 10; c: 0)

13: "The 8-ball's all right, but it can never compare to":

a: Leopold Bros.
b: Bab's
c: The Del

(a: 5; b: 0; c: 10)

14: From North to South, the show houses ran:

a: Bad Idea, Totally Awesome, Madison House
b: Madison House, Totally Awesome, Bad Idea
c: Totally Awesome, Bad Idea, Madison House

(a: 5; b: 0, c: 10)

15: At Leopolds, you order:

a: Their top shelf gin, neat
b: A "Red Wing"
c: a Labatt

(a: 5, b: 10, c: 0)

16: The Kiwannis thrift store is open when?

a: Saturdays, 9am to noon
b: Saturdays and Sundays, 9am to 4pm
c: Weekdays from 9am to 5pm

(a: 10, b&c: 0)
Now, subtract 1 point for any of these things:

Going to Scorekeepers, Good Time Charlies, or Touchdown Cafe.
Remembering what the Necto used to be called (either name). If you can do that, you're too old to be hip.
Shopping in Nichol's Arcade (Henrietta's gone).
Can afford to eat at The Roadhouse.
Have ridden the Link but don't have a bus pass.

Subtract five for any of these things:
Going to Cafe Oz, Studio 4 or Live at PJs
Knowing who Todd Mundt is
Wearing new clothes.
Cheering when the Pig has a no smoking show (five points returned if you can name the last no smoking show at the Pig).

200-180: You're a hipster dreamboat. Your vintage clothing sparkles as you bat away advances from waifs and bloggers trying to chat you up.

179-150: You're almost there! You may not know everything hip to know about the town, but you can look down on jerks who make quizzes.

149-100: Ah, the vast unwashed middle. Time to affect a NY accent or start memorizing grafitti in the Fleetwood bathroom.

99-50: Where are you from? Charlevoix?

50-1: You're blessed. Leave now before you start posturing.

Below zero: Liar. You've looped yourself back into hipsterdom by denying it. Your ironic sorority/fraternity pose impresses no one, and your secret Death Cab collection is for naught.

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