Monday, October 31, 2011

Fixed in Italian and vice versa (or, "It's a black thing, Tom Selleck.")

Who are you?

Costumes from last night:

—Matching mimes
—Hobo clown
—Drug lord
—3 Black Swan
—3 Racist Against Native Americans
—Sexy Cop
—Sexy Kevin Garnett (with a dinosaur hat)
—Accidental "Carrie"
—Jimi Hendrix
—Lenny Kravitz
—Accidental Terrence Trent D'Arby
—"World's best catch"
—Stu (Hangover 2 version)
—Accidental Zach Galifianakis
—Some kinda skinny tie pirate
—Sexy pirate
—Two Luigis, one Mario
—Two sexy devils
—Sexy burglar
—Jareth and Sarah Williams
—Bag of Ruffles
—Bald guy from Far East Movement
—Tyrone the Crack Head
—Sexy bunny
—Sexy bunny (Playboy version)
—Sexy cat
—Sexy witch
—Some kinda Charlie Sheen thing I think

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Pig Americans

At Von's, the Cool Ranch Doritos are buy two, get two free. So, of course I bought them. Four bags of sweet delicious artery clogging evil. We have an obesity problem here in America, here in my house. And the solution is three simple words: "You fat fuck." It's truth in advertising. If the sign had said, "Buy two, get two free, you fat fuck," I still would have bought them, but I wouldn't be halfway through the first bag right now while I watch Burn Notice reruns. Americans need someone to call us on our shit. Sure, I want to eat healthy, but last night I had one of those XXL chalupas. I assume they're named after the size sweatpants I wear. I bought it because of the hypnotic power of Brian Wilson's beard and was immediately disappointed by the floppy mass of bean sludge and weird-ass spicy nacho sauce. I needed the fat fuck warning, apparently. I was too stupid to extrapolate from "xxl," I actually needed Brian Wilson to say "This will be amazing for three bites and then vile for the rest, you fat fuck. Also, didn't you pack a sandwich? Eat that."

Nearly every ad for food in America would be improved by those simple words. Unlimited pasta bowl at the Olive Garden, you fat fuck. Carl's jr. "“We believe in burgers. Big, fat, juices-running-down-your-arm kind of burgers, you fat fuck." Boom. I have solved obesity. You fat fuck.

When I got out of Von's, sitting there in the spot across from where I'd parked was a Hummer with its lights on. I actually thought I'd left my dome light on. But not only were the lights on, they'd left the Hummer running. Left it running with the lights on, this is why gas is $6 a gallon. And I'm trying to put my groceries away and fumbling with the keys, and those lights are right at face level because it's a pig American Hummer, this dinosaur that stalked the McMansions and drill, baby, drills of the late American Oil Era. Between that and digging the library book I needed to return (The Oxford History of Prisons, totally dry but recommended), it took me a good five minutes to get out of the parking lot, and the whole time, that monster is chugging away, going nowhere. You fat fuck.

Thursday, October 06, 2011

The lemon's long tail

A few months ago, I posted a complaint about a thin bit of anecdotal sub-journalism by Nicholas Martin. In it, Martin complains that his daughter can't open a lemonade stand in a park, or at home, without getting permits for commercial food prep. Or so he says.

I pointed out that the laws were unlikely to be enforced — the same thing he was told by the person he says he spoke to — and that they have a broader purpose that supports the public good, and that complaining that the zoning laws technically prevent food stands is pretty weak sauce.

Martin, having apparently just gotten around to googling himself, complained in my comments. Because I know that literally no one reads comments on months-old entries unless they're googling themselves (or tapirs, which has been my number one search term for about a month), I've decided to move it up here, out of fairness to Martin. (If anyone else has comments they think I missed, let me know).

Nicolas Martin said...
There is nothing misleading about my piece, which you could have verified by contacting me. Through some painless googling you could also have discovered that the Consumer Health Education Council has been around since the 1980s.

Since the piece ran there have been several incidents of lemonade stands being shut down by authorities. But more importantly, the regulations prevent adult entrepreneurs from offering services and selling products. Unfortunately, there are reactionaries who oppose the liberalization of consenting economic activities among adults.
7:10 AM

Josh said...
Well, there was plenty misleading about your piece, which I verified by reading it.

And just because the Consumer Health Education Council has been around since the 1980s doesn't mean it's not astroturfing, a phrase that's been around since the '80s.

In fact, the first result of a painless google search is Sourcewatch's article on the American Council on Science and Health, an astroturf organization.

As far as lemonade stands being shut down, well, you know, one of those things about being a journalist and not a flack is that you could provide at least a couple of links to support that.

Further, as long as we're talking — those regulations also prevent health risks and deaths. Reactionaries, a term usually reserved for conservative revanchists, generally want to remove regulations in order to socialize risk and privatize profit.

But I'm glad that the Consumer Health Education Council will be fighting to overturn drug laws that prevent consenting adults from enjoying economic and recreational activities.
12:48 PM

(EDIT: Corrected spelling of "flack" from "flak," a typo.)

If any of you several readers have comments on this, this post is probably the most likely place to get them read.

Wednesday, October 05, 2011