Thursday, October 27, 2011

Pig Americans

At Von's, the Cool Ranch Doritos are buy two, get two free. So, of course I bought them. Four bags of sweet delicious artery clogging evil. We have an obesity problem here in America, here in my house. And the solution is three simple words: "You fat fuck." It's truth in advertising. If the sign had said, "Buy two, get two free, you fat fuck," I still would have bought them, but I wouldn't be halfway through the first bag right now while I watch Burn Notice reruns. Americans need someone to call us on our shit. Sure, I want to eat healthy, but last night I had one of those XXL chalupas. I assume they're named after the size sweatpants I wear. I bought it because of the hypnotic power of Brian Wilson's beard and was immediately disappointed by the floppy mass of bean sludge and weird-ass spicy nacho sauce. I needed the fat fuck warning, apparently. I was too stupid to extrapolate from "xxl," I actually needed Brian Wilson to say "This will be amazing for three bites and then vile for the rest, you fat fuck. Also, didn't you pack a sandwich? Eat that."

Nearly every ad for food in America would be improved by those simple words. Unlimited pasta bowl at the Olive Garden, you fat fuck. Carl's jr. "“We believe in burgers. Big, fat, juices-running-down-your-arm kind of burgers, you fat fuck." Boom. I have solved obesity. You fat fuck.

When I got out of Von's, sitting there in the spot across from where I'd parked was a Hummer with its lights on. I actually thought I'd left my dome light on. But not only were the lights on, they'd left the Hummer running. Left it running with the lights on, this is why gas is $6 a gallon. And I'm trying to put my groceries away and fumbling with the keys, and those lights are right at face level because it's a pig American Hummer, this dinosaur that stalked the McMansions and drill, baby, drills of the late American Oil Era. Between that and digging the library book I needed to return (The Oxford History of Prisons, totally dry but recommended), it took me a good five minutes to get out of the parking lot, and the whole time, that monster is chugging away, going nowhere. You fat fuck.

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