Crayola Timeline

by Alison Haigh

Paint fumes

On saturday, saw Victor Gastelum show at Overtones. Loved the luchadores stuff, loved the Water and Power stuff, was lukewarm on the rest—it made me feel all pretentious to be like, "It reminds me of Niagra, and you don't want to remind me of Niagra," like there was some implicit threat.

Bristol Palin's got pramface.

"I assume John McCain chose Sarah Palin as his vice-presidential partner in a fit of pique because the Republican money men refused to let him have the stuffed male shirt he really wanted. She added nothing to the ticket that the Republicans didn't already have sewn up, the white trash vote, the demographic that sullies America's name inside and outside its borders yet has such a curious appeal for the right."

A mean, nasty and funny column from Heather Mallick, CBC shit-stirrer.

From Tuesday

Phone rings.

Josh: Hi, this is Josh at Barely Legal.
Caller: (high, nasal voice) Hi. I'm looking for a doll with parts.
J: A doll with parts?
C: Yeah, a doll with all the parts. A little one.
J: Like a GI Joe?
C: No, with parts.
J: GI Joe has parts.
C: No, like all the parts. Organs.
J: Oh, yeah, like one of those transparent dolls, you know, you take 'em apart and they got intestines and hearts.
C: No, no, I already got one of them. No, like a little statue. You know where I can get one?
J: Maybe look on the internet?
C: I can't go to the internet. I need a statue.
J: You mean, like David?
C: Yeah, like David.
J: Oh, you need to call the Uffizi in Florence. They've got the David.
C: How big is it?
J: I dunno. About eight feet.
C: I need a little one.
J: They got little ones too. You know, for tourists.
C: That's in Italy?
J: Yeah, Florence in Italy.
C: I can't call Italy.
J: Maybe you can go to your library. They got pictures of David there.
C: Yeah, I can't go to the library. I'm in New York. No, I need a doll here.
J: You tried Times Square?
C: Where in Times Square?
J: I dunno. Never been there.
C: What about in California? That's where you are, right?
J: I don't know, I never bought a statue.
C: No, what about a doll.
J: Barbie?
C: Yeah, like Barbie, but a man.
J: Oh, you mean Ken! Ken's the boy version of Barbie.
C: Yeah, but with the parts.
J: You mean outfits?
C: No, no, all the parts. Where can I get one with all the parts?
J: I dunno. Hasbro?
C: Hasbro?
J: Yeah, I think they make Barbie.
C: No, look, I saw this statue once, it had all its organs, right?
J: Where'd you see it?
C: Somebody in my family had it.
J: Oh, you should ask them then.
C: No, but they're gone.
J: Where did they go? Do they have a cell phone?
C: They're dead.
J: Oh, then you're gonna have to check the will.
C: Look, no, that doll, that doll is gone.
J: Where do you think they got it?
C: I don't know. That's why I'm asking you. Look…
J: Yeah?
C: I got this other doll, he's got his parts. He's throwing a discus. I want this other doll to put next to him.
J: A discus? That's in the Olympics.
C: Yeah, OK. But he's got all his parts.
J: Right. You should try the Olympics. Maybe get a guy with a javelin.
C: They got statues?
J: Why not? You watch the Olympics?
C: No.
J: It was pretty good. It was in China this time.
C: Yeah, yeah, I heard that. Now…
J: Beijing. It was on NBC.
C: I heard that. But what I'm really asking about is a doll.
J: I bet they got Olympic dolls.
C: Where?
J: I dunno. Toys 'R Us?
C: You think they got Olympic dolls there with all the parts?
J: Yeah, with the javelin and the discus, sure.
C: No, like, their other parts…
J: Olympics! Glad I could help. (hangs up)

My perverse plan for email disinformation

I was talking with my girlfriend the other night about the email forwards. You know the ones, from older, conservative family members or coworkers, still pumping out insanity about Obama's secret madrassas or why Palin drives liberals crazy (short answer: they hate women and freedom).

So, the next time I get one of these messages, I'm going to reply with some psy-ops of my own: that burglaries spike precipitously on election day.

See, with these new computers, it's easy for criminals (especially Negroes) to find voter registration rolls, and know that people are more likely to be out of the house before or after work. Plus, I'll add, party registration is public, and everyone knows that Republicans have better stuff. Instead of being patriotic themselves, these nefarious career criminals (released by Democrats soft on crime) break into houses, and probably rape the elderly who vote absentee.

It's important, of course, to emphasize that these boogiemen act on the basis of party registration, and I'll probably add that people are most at risk in contested counties, where there are plenty of godless criminal darkies that are just waiting to break in.

Any other ideas?