Thursday, September 16, 2010

Ten More Ways To Die In Canada

Posted by Corbin in "Travel Tips," Ten Ways To Die In Canada is a decent, if lackluster, start.

Bears? Sure. Rattlesnakes? Maybe… West Nile Virus? Aren't we pushing this a bit just to make ten?

Ten more ways to die in Canada:

1) Hockey fight.

Likely a pick-up game where the lone Wings fan keeps riding the lone Habs fan about the Richard Riots and gets shirted. To avoid this, you must concede that the last Wings season was pretty disappointing and that Guy Lafleur might be able to take Yzerman.

2) Drunk on mickeys and two-fors.

Chasing Alberta rye with Moosehead seems like a quaint local custom, but then you're being wheeled out of some basement in Surrey and dumped in the Serpentine Fen. It's like, whoa, slow down der den.

3) Brained with a Juno.

They're like the Canadian Grammy's, thus guaranteeing that the only place you will ever run the risk of an irate wife driving the glass head of the Tragically Hip's Junie (or whatever they call them) into your temple is Canada.

4) Ennui

Looking out over the plains of south Ontario just, you know, gets to you, especially in February, when you haven't seen the sun in months and everything is just gray…

5) Trapped on a burning bus with William Shatner, Michael J. Fox, Paul Shaffer and Ryan Reynolds.

This one pretty much explains itself, but it's one of the best reasons to avoid public transit while in Canada.

6) Contaminated homemade poutine.

Spoiled turkey gravy kills more people than scurvy in Canada, especially when ladled from an uncovered can left out on the counter. While it's often so cold that you have to wear three sweaters indoors, this is not a food safe temperature.

7) Killed for tire money.

Canadians are so confused by their looneys and their tooneys and their throonies and their foonies that they've retreated to the only common currency: Canadian Tire Money (CTM). Avoid being jacked by violent criminals that stray over the border from America at will, simply by keeping your CTM on a card or in convenient tire form.

8) Gored at a rodeo.

For some reason, Alberta has these huge rodeos that are full of ways to die, which you might as well, being at a rodeo in Alberta.

9) Choke to death on Timbits.

There's a dutchie Timbit lodged in your throat, and you're slapping the table, knocking over the other 17 from your pity pack onto the floor, and everyone's just politely ignoring you. They know you are an American, and thus not allowed to be helped by their socialist Heimlich maneuver.

10) In French.

Zut allors! Je suis mort! Au Québec!

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