In which I answer surveys for money

Not a lot of money, honestly, but some at least. And it goes directly to pay off student loans. Whee!

This one was a commercial from Keystone, and the first question (after making me watch it twice) was to explain what happened:

Two dudes were playing with their cells at a party, boring the attractive women. The women left. Keith Stone stares at his can, making a Geico Caveman face. He then pulls two sticks out of his butt and begins to whack at the cans, producing a totally implausible steel drum medley (which reminds me to smoke pot, not drink beer). Then some woman riding in a monster truck sees this, decides she has nothing better to do with her life and regards Keith Stone's smoothness, which he apparently demonstrated somewhere else (because it's not in the commercial). Keith Stone drinks his Keystone and then wakes up, alone and despondent (implied).

Apart from the name and the product, what made you realize it was Keystone Light?

Well, there's Keith Stone, who when I first saw him a couple months ago, I thought was a real country star doing endorsement shots for Keystone. It's the sort of thing that mercenary country stars do, sell their reputations for cheap beer because they hold their fans in a fairly fundamental contempt.

But that's about it. Why not just have everyone else get Bitter Beer Face? I mean, that was at least honest about what Keystone is: beer for people who hate the taste of beer, but can't come up with another way to get drunk slowly.

If you had just seen the commercial and were drinking Keystone Light, how would you feel?

In order to get to that point, I have to assume an epic rager, in which not only have I been drinking for hours, but that it's past the time when anyone could go out and get more beers. So, here we are with that case of Keystone somebody brought and then left (regifted, likely) and I'm drinking Keystone, because what the hell, I'm eight beers in and won't taste it. Then the commercial comes on, and I look at the beer in my hand and realize just then it's a Keystone, because I thought it was Milwaulkee's Best or something, and think, Well, not a single woman I know would go for that greasy hobo, so thank God everyone's so drunk that nobody will remember me drinking this swill.

What does the slogan "Keystone Light: Always Smooth" mean to you, based on the commercial?

Cheap beer. "Smooth" isn't really something to be celebrated in beer, except ironically. You've almost got the irony down with the Keith Stone guy, but you should take it up a notch and use Smoov B from the Onion. It'd be making fun of the "smoothness," turning a detriment into an asset. Instead, it's sort of a fratty generic ad with no actual smoothness. Also, why does Keith Stone have a Spanish accent for only one of his lines? What's that about?

You've answered: Keith Stone is 'not at all smooth.' What makes him 'not at all smooth'?

The lack of positive smoothness.

And then after all that, I get a stupid message about how high volume won't let them process my replies, but that I've already responded. Ah well, at least it's here so random Keystone googlers can find it.